"Hello, World!"

fun fact, i'm not a fan of introductions or first impressions. that's not a very 'fun' fact, i know, but i'll continue; i don't like introductions because they make me feel like i'm 'acting', putting on a show to give off the best first impressions, and setting an impossible standard of behaviour i must always live up to. one which i can't live up to.

call it 'acting', 'masking', 'mental illness', whatever, it's probably a feeling which dozens of people recognise under a wide variety of names. sadly, something being known or spoken of doesn't make it less frustrating to deal with.

i guess that's why i've started this blog. i need somewhere where i'm never acting, but still putting myself out into the world. whatever myself is in that moment. plus, i like the idea of a space where i can write walls of text about random things without bothering anyone - well, if anyone is bothered, they always have the choice of closing the website and going elsewhere.

i really love my website. it's nice to have my own obscure corner of the internet. i want to add a page with a big list of all the media i've watched/played/etc., although i doubt i'll have much to say on those things; unfortunately, my memory is terrible, even with things i adore. sometimes i'll enjoy a show or a game and simply recall a few scraps of lore and the fact i enjoyed it. honestly, it's really frustrating to live like this, especially as someone who adores learning about games, shows, characters, etc., it's utterly mortifying to love something and remember so little about it. that's not even getting into how difficult and humiliating it makes conversation feel.

maybe by the time you (the reader) are seeing this, i've already added the page. maybe not. i don't know. i'll need to figure out the layout and aesthetic of it first. i do have a big list of media already though, tucked away in my phone's notes. a lot of the media is very short yuri manga, as i have quite a soft spot for oneshots and (unfortunately) manga which gets its official publication cancelled and ends after just a few volumes.

that's a blog post for a different day though. in all honesty, i've got an awful headache as i'm writing this. staring at a html document probably doesn't help, but this page won't write itself.

i'll end this with an actual fun fact; my current computer is nicknamed 'Sakura', after the character from the Fate series - specifically, her appearance in Fate/CCC, as that game's 'CCC' route (and Fate/Stay Night's 'Heaven's Feel' route) had quite the emotional impact on me. my old computer was nicknamed 'Behemoth', for its massive size and ability to endure any task thrown at it - but unlike the Final Fantasy Behemoth it can't cast Meteor (thankfully). my phone doesn't actually have a nickname yet. i'm not very keen on phones so part of me doesn't want to give it a nickname but i feel like i really should. perhaps 'Paimon', after the Genshin Impact character, since it goes everywhere with me and has a pastel pink phone case.

well, i need to actually add a 'blog' link to the rest of my website now. thanks for reading!

a lyric on my mind lately:
"I don’t get the point of asking / God for something that I don’t deserve"
ALL THE TIME - femtanyl
i love femtanyl's music, and i've been listening to this song non-stop since it came out. i love how raw and emotional the lyrics are, especially towards the end.